“Mummy, Vikas hit me”
“Tell me
where he is, I will hit him”
“Mummy.
Bunny stole my marbles”
“My poor
darling. I’ll get them back for you from him.”
So,
mummy tucks up her saree, and descends on Vikas, and Bunny with a stormy frown.
She does not bargain for an equally ‘stormy’ mummy of Vikas and Bunny. Soon,
there is mayhem with all the three hurling invectives and raising their voices.
Meanwhile, Bunny, Vikas and the little originator of all this, are busy playing
with each other, their earlier fight forgotten!
Too
often, mothers tend to interfere when their children get into a squabble. There
are bound to be bullies and meek ones amongst children. While playing, the
physically strong will naturally exploit the weakling. But parents must stay out
of this. After all, the playground is the training ground for the future battle
of life! If a child can cope with all this on his own, he’s better equipped to
face the challenges that are in store for him. Instead, some children like to
take the easy way out by carrying tales to their parents. This is where you
have to exercise discretion.
Cunning
Instead
of taking up the cudgels for the child, he should be asked to go and sort it
out himself. Children, despite their innocence, can be quite cunning. A child
will not tell mummy why Vikas beat him – that he had pulled Vikas’ ears as
Vikas did not give him the train to play with! So, mummy knows only one side of
the story and is a biased judge. Why not call Vikas and ask him gently why he
used physical force? When you get to hear both sides of the story, advise the
two to make up and go back to play. The same goes while dealing with an older
and stronger bully. Teach your child to take on such people by suggesting
diplomatic approaches. When a parent interferes, things get worse, as the bully
bears a grudge and can be doubly harmful next time.
Another
situation which can do without interference is when two siblings quarrel.
Mothers tend to take up for the younger or weaker child and this can increase
the animosity of the other one. “Why don’t you give back Munna’s pencil? He’s a
little boy and you should be ashamed of teasing him!” Or “Don’t tease Munni.
She’s a girl and you’re a boy”… Teasing each other and fighting are part of
growing up and cements blood ties. But if a parent interferes, it can leave
behind scars which disfigure the brother/sister relationship.
Interference
As the
children grow older, parents should avoid interfering in their lives –
especially when they get married. Unless their advice is sought, they should
keep their counsel. Even while advising, it’s better to give both sides of the
argument and let the decision be the concerned person’s. Once children are old
enough to lead their lives, it should be left to them to charter their path. The
parents’ responsibility ends with equipping them for a financially independent
future. By that time, they should have also imbibed a sense of values and a
rational approach. If they haven’t, they will never do so anyway!!
Resist
the temptation to interfere in your children’s bringing up their children! You
may think they are going about it the wrong way – but it’s their life and you
have done your bit. I know of a lady who prefers to stay on her own in India,
though she has a daughter abroad, doing very well. “I don’t like her ways and
the way she has brought up her children. If I stay with them, I’ll probably
criticize. So I live alone.” This is an escapist attitude! Parents should
develop the art of being amidst what displeases them and cope, with least
interference and a bit of tolerance.
There
will be a smaller gap between generations, if parents remember what Harry
Truman said, “I have found that the best way to give advice to your children is
to find out what they want, and advise them to do it!”
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