“MUMMY, I’m nervous – I have to recite a poem in the assembly”,
“Don’t be stupid! Why should you feel
nervous?”
“Mummy, please leave the light on
when I sleep.”
“Grow up will you? What are you
afraid of”?
“Mummy, I don’t want to come and
meet your friends, I feel shy.”
“You will come. What’s there to feel shy
about”?
How often parents dismiss the
fears and hopes expressed by their children, as childish and rubbish! To an
adult, the seemingly simple problems that assail a child or adolescent can be a
source of irritation. More so to working mothers who have little time to be
bothered about fantasies. But for a child, his/her problems are real and big
and the only person he/she can turn to for guidance, is the parent.
When he/she draws a blank here,
he/she withdraws into a shell and soon, the
problems become more complex and more difficult to tackle. By that time,
the link between parent and child, has snapped. Then, parents complain that
their children hide their troubles and get into scrapes! If children do so,
it’s because they do not have an understanding parent.
Individual
The first point to remember is
that your child is an individual, has a mind of his/her own, and interacts with
other children and adults. Naturally, he/she is bound to come across situations
which baffle him/her, worry or frighten. He/she automatically turns to the
confidante – the parent – for a way out. At this point, it is very important
for the parent to perceive the problem from the child’s angle and not dismiss
it as trivial, from an adult angle.
A child’s world is made up of
‘bogey men’ like exams, home-work, reading the news in the assembly or being
called up to answer a question in class. To a parent, all these are a part of
childhood. But for a moment, relive the same situations and you will remember
that you too nursed similar feelings! This ability or inclination to put
yourself in the child’s shoes, will enable you to be more understanding.
If your child is afraid of the
dark, there is no reason why you should not let him/her have the light on. “Be
a man” is easier said than done. Help them to get over their fear by telling
stories about night – how beautiful things like moon and stars come out only
when it’s dark – How Santa Claus come riding on his sleigh when it’s dark, to
bring gifts and goodies for children…. in the first place it’s possible that
he/she developed fear for the dark due to some statement or action of yours!
Perhaps at some time you had threatened to lock him/her up in a dark room if
he/she didn’t drink up milk! A child’s
fear for something is always associated with his/her experience. So, analyze
what could be at the root of this fear and try and strike at it patiently.
Attitude
The fear of examination could be
due to your constantly nagging him/her to study and ‘come first’. You perhaps
compare him/her to ‘Puri aunty’s son or ‘Asha mausi’s daughter who study six
hours a day. All this builds up a tension which results in phobia. Probe into
his/her mind, bring out the deeply imbedded qualms and help him/her to nurse
more positive attitudes.
Some children are very attached
to an old rag doll or a torn end of a bed sheet or a mucky pillow. Understand
their need for some concrete proof of security. To a teenager, however old he/she
is, a teddy bear she/he played with as a child may be still a precious object.
Don’t ‘pooh pooh’ this and humiliate his ‘baby tendency’. You see, as a
teenager’s responsibilities in life increase, he/she would like to cling on to
some relic of his carefree days, as a link with the past. Leave him/her alone.
He/she will work out his/her own release from such attachments. Your bullying
or decrying only precipitates matters.
Don’t ridicule the Mooney look on
your daughter or son’s face – following a ‘crush’ or infatuation. To them it’s
the grand feeling of love unfolding itself. It’s amazing how teenagers snap out
of romantic entanglements if you treat them as seriously as they do! Resistance
on your part acts as the ‘thorn’ which makes the ’rose’ that much more
attractive!
With due apologies to Shelly, I’d
say that a parent, to be good, ‘must imagine intensely and comprehensively; he
must put himself in the place of the child; the pains and pleasure of his child
must become his own! A parent must be understanding – which means, tolerance,
empathy and the belief that love matters more than anything!’
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