Integration
is the key word in a marriage. In our Indian society a marriage is a fusion of
two families, not just two individuals. My mother stressed this again and again
and she herself had practiced it. So, becoming a part of Srivatsa’s family was
not difficult. His cousins and their spouses are great fun and we all enjoy
being together.
My
father-in-law (appa) is a remarkable
person. He was in a wheel chair for over ten years. An acute diabetic, he was a
little careless with his sweet tooth and his legs had to be amputated for
gangrene in the Command Hospital. He was slipping into a comatose state when
they wheeled him into the OT. The next morning, it fell to our lot to break the
news to him. He took it very calmly. Soon, the other leg was to go. He was such
an active man and any one with less tenacity, would have not come out with his
spirit Intact. With his wounds still raw, we had to take a decision of moving
him to the Naval Hospital in Mumbai as both Srivatsa and I had exhausted all
our share of leave
The
airport was crowded the day I was flying appa
to Mumbai. Amitaab
Bachan
had arrived and there were teeming crowds. Even appa wanted to see him, lying in the ambulance with the intravenous
drips going in! For nearly three months, Appa
was in Asvini, the Naval hospital
and thanks to the excellent nursing and medical care, he got out of the
dangerously ill list and came home.
Appa is very energetic and
extremely helpful. His indomitable spirit and positive attitude have kept him
going, despite being tied to a wheel chair. Even to this day, he runs the
house: wheeling himself around. He knows what is happening where and continues
to be the lord of his manor, where we live together. As of now, there are four
generations of men in the house. My father-i-law, his son Srivatsa, his son
Arjun and his son Karan. We performed Kanakabhishekam
of my father-in-law. It is a sacred ritual in which, after Vedic chanting, holy
water is sprinkled on the eldest member of the family, through a sieve filled
with gold flowers. This is to bless the subsequent generations with health and
prosperity. The priest, who performed this, told us that in the fifty odd years
of his priesthood, this was the first time he had performed this ritual in a
fourth generation household. Normally, only the husband or wife is alive at
that stage. Little Karan, my grandson, is lucky to have been carried by his
great grand parents from both his grand mom and grandpa line.
(Both
my parents-in-law are no more as I post this)
****
Right
from Vasanta’s wedding which took place a year after mine, I have
wholeheartedly participated in all family functions. I took my role as the
eldest daughter-in-law, seriously and got into the act. I guess this cemented
my relationship with Srivatsa. We work as a team. Our role was clearly defined
with mutual understanding. I would be the home maker, which included taking
care of the entire running of the household and family PR, which is keeping
track of various social commitments and organizing gifts and parties. Srivatsa
would be the bread winner and chairman of our home organization. While the
division of duties was a little imbalanced in that I had the major share, it
was a fine arrangement for me. Not a career woman, I would walk in and out of
jobs, staying only if the content and environment suited me. Since Srivatsa
assumed the role of the provider, I did not have to work but did only what gave
me pleasure and satisfaction.
Marriage
has also been learning process for me. The first chapters in the book of do’s
and don’ts reads (a) No One upmanship. As husband and wife, Srivatsa and I have
a common goal…family peace and happiness. There is nothing like one having the
upper hand over the other. When this happens, there is conflict of interest and
the result is disastrous. Whoever is mentally or physically stronger calls the
shots and the other person is unhappy. Over the last thirty years of our
married life, we have both given and taken, sometimes- less and sometimes more.
But we retain our individuality and continue to do what each believes in as
long as it does not contradict the goal.
We
tell each other everything. I have seen some of my friends’ husbands who behave
different when their wives are not around. Srivatsa openly compliments a lady on
her looks or cooking or housekeeping in my presence and I can compliment a man
on his looks too. Sometimes, it is so uncanny when we open our mouth at the
same time and say the samething! We know exactly what the other is thinking. No
guess work there.
As I
wind up this chapter, I remember the advice given by my grandmother. She asked
me what I cook when Srivatsa is away at sea. I told her I generally lived on
bread or fruits. “Don’t do that”, she said, “A woman is the pillar of the house
and has to be strong. You take care of yourself first and only then can you
take care of the rest. You eat the cream and give the rest, milk. Don’t wait up
for your husband or children, to eat, if they are late at work or school. You eat
and when they come, serve them. A hungry mother or wife is an angry one. We women
have to take care of our mind and body. Then no one can exploit us. Remember,
you come first and every one else, next. Only, don’t stop at your self. That is
being selfish!” What she said made so much sense that I have practiced it.
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