No-Nonsense Chayaisms- Compromise...Consumer rights...Cooking

1    Compromise:

Compromise represents a far greater risk than courage. As difficult as it is to stand for truth, it is much harder to live with the consequences of moral failure. This word is used quite often to condone many ills of society. What is compromise? Giving up ones convictions to buy a comfort zone? In the work area, the weaker one in the hierarchy is supposed to compromise and ‘adjust’ to the whims of the higher ups. A voice of dissent can be a threat to survival. In marriage, the woman is expected to compromise and give up her ambitions to maintain peace on the home front; in politics leaders’ compromise with their conscience, to make the best of their position, customers’ compromise with the quality they get from government services as they have no choice. Life is expected to be a series of compromise. Fine-as long as it is a compromise between good and good; when there is a win-win situation, to get a mutually beneficial result. But what we see more often is compromise between good and bad. The victim here is ones moral values. In the long run, I think it is good for our self esteem to have lived up to our values than to have gained materially by compromising.

1      Consumer Rights:

I am not talking of consumer as in the business context. To me, the internal consumer is more important-my family! Since I am the head of the household (figuratively speaking!), I am like the CEO of the company who has a commitment to give the best to the consumer. My family has a right to demand the best health service, a balanced and nutritive food and beverage, safe and clean environment, warm hospitality and lots of love. That I am a working woman does not absolve me of my commitment to the consumers, though I can muster their help to make it easier for me to give them the best! All you have to do is win the consumer’s confidence by giving the best and the rest is easy-I mean once you have the consumer on your side, you get his/her cooperation willingly. The consumer also has a duty towards me-to be reasonable in demanding the best and being appreciative of all that I do. Maybe the same principles should hold well in the business scenario too.

  Cooking:

The way to your family’s heart is definitely via the stomach! A well fed husband and children go about their duties happily. I am not overly fond of cooking- but I make sensible good food. I would like to give customer satisfaction by introducing variety and adding nutritional value to the food I serve. No gourmet cooking-just healthy fare for the mind and body! Many women are fond of declaring ‘I hate cooking’, I pity the family. Even to supervise a paid cook, you need to have a friendly approach to pots and pans. Be it a man or woman, cooking is a skill worth acquiring for ‘man’ does after all. ‘Live for bread’. Besides cooking, it is important for me to have peace at the dining table. No skirmishes…no arguments…no crying and no sulking. The dining table is a thanksgiving altar for the food we are blessed to eat. Absolutely no pushing the plate away in anger or throwing crockery around! As for wasting food- I feel strongly about those who heap their plate with food and just throw it away. They can serve themselves as much as they can stomach. When you think of the millions around the world, dying of hunger, every morsel we save will make a difference.  

No-Nonsense Chayaisms- Choosing a partner..Communication

Choosing a partner:

How much time we spend over choosing a pair of shoes or a dress or even a vegetable! When it comes to choosing a life partner, one goes by looks or wealth or status. That is why many marriages are on the rocks. On the day of their wedding, I asked my daughter-in-law-to-be, what she found in my son (they met in Medical school). She quietly said, “I found a friend in him”. I knew he had made the right choice, physical attraction lasts only for a few years but friendship is forever. I think it is important for men and women to seriously think whether their choice will home the same attraction ten years down the line. Other factors like family background, economic equation, social standing cultural diversity and religious leanings too make an impact on a marriage in last years once the euphoric wear off. Contrary to what the romantically inclined would say. I feel choosing ones life partner must be a decision of the head and not the heart. Once the choice is made the heart must take over.

 Communication:

Most of our problem stem from lack of communication. We are afraid to speak our mind and say the politically correct things, keeping our real feelings under wraps. In a bid to please everyone, we tend to cover up issues which grown out of proportion after sometimes and then wonder what hit us! In any relationship, open and transparent communication is a must. It is good for women and men to disclose any past involvement to the person they are engaged to so they can start married life with a clean slate. It is better for the relationship to end right there if either is jealous or possessive than a disclosure by a third party at a later stage. Many conflicts can be resolved by a mature, across the table discussion than by breaking the communication channel. Honest, sincere and genuine intention to say the right thing helps break many barriers at the family, social and professional level. Most people think communication is talking. It is not so. It is more of listening and responding to the other person’s need. This is more so with children. They want us to listen with our eyes-look at them and absorb what they say. That is what real communication is-giving the other person your time and attention.

No-Nonsense Chayaisms-Beauty pageants...Bravery...Children

  Beauty pageants:

Should they happen of not? Are beauty contests a blow to the image of women? I think they are good for the eyes. Better than eating carrot. It takes guts to walk down the ramp in skimpy nothings and be assessed for your curves and contours. It is as tough as preparing for your Medical prelims or Engineering entrance exams. While those require academic refinement, entering a beauty contest calls for a combination of skills beside looks. Imagine living on salad and drinking ten glasses of water for days to keep the waist in shape. Try walking on those pointed heels, concentration on the smile and managing not to fall on your nose just as you read the end of the ramp. Some are born beautiful while most have to strive to achieve it. I admire the second category. They have to work on various aspects of self-development, before they can muster their courage to face the world in a swimsuit. Things were not so stiff when I contested for the Miss Bangalore crown in 1965!! All we had to do was hold our saree pallav delicately on your left arm, pirouette a couple of times on the ramp and walk back. Some contestants added a provocative swing to that walk back. If you were tall and slim, you made it. A five feet nothing like me had no chance but I went for the fun of facing an audience. It was a tremendous learning experience. I thought I was good enough to contest. If the judges did not think I was good enough to be crowned, it was their opinion!

  Bravery:

There are many myths about bravery and many instances, which highlight a person’s ability to do daredevil feats or perform acts of rare courage. But what I am talking about is that strength of firmness of mind which enables a person to encounter danger with coolness and courage, or to bear pain or adversity without murmuring, depression, or despondency. There are some who can challenge many odds, save people’s life or face extreme dangers but when it comes to their personal life, are not able to handle situations with courage. To focus on this definition of bravery, I initiated a contest under the banner of Guild Of Women Achievers-calling for nominations from women who have shown exemplary acts of bravery in their personal life. Our prize winning entry for  sahasa nari was 

Dr Sarvamangala, who was born in a village, ran away from her poverty stricken life, to fulfill her ambition of becoming a doctor. She became a Gynecologist!

 Children:

One lovely trait of children we adults must emulate is to forget and forgive. Another is to find delight in every little thing. Unfortunately, children today have lost that quality and only expensive toys/ food and clothes can make them happy-till they tire of it for another. To some extent, parents are to be blamed for indulging their whims, to show off their own wealth. With the ‘we two, our two’ norm of small families, children are getting more and more materialistic and selfish. The sharing and caring value is almost extinct. They are fast losing respect for authority, discipline and obedience to elders. In school and at home, they are pretty much a law unto themselves and parents groan and moan about the decadent generation. But wait a minute- who is responsible for all this? Children are like ‘monkey see monkey do’ and reflect the behavior pattern of the adults around them. As it is said, children don’t need critics; they need models-which they have but unfortunately, the wrong kind. As a mother said, having a child is like making a decision to have your heart walking outside your body.

No-Nonsense Chayaisms- Appreciation...Arranged marriage...Assertiveness

      Appreciation:

It is important to express your appreciation at home and at work. We tend to take people for granted and feel disappointed when others don’t say something nice to us! Appreciation is like water to a plant. It can do without it but gradually will wilt due to lack of it. That is what happens to interpersonal relationships. We are quick to criticize but hesitate to applaud. How many of us take the trouble to thank the liftman who opens doors and presses buttons day in and day out? How many husbands thank the wife for laying out a good meal or how many wives thank their husbands for being ‘there’ for them? How many children thank their parents for giving them good education or how many parents thank their children for making them proud? How many bosses express their satisfaction of the subordinates’ performance or subordinates appreciate their boss’s concern? We all need a pat on the back once in a while and let us make it a daily habit – of appreciating someone – at work and at home. I have read that a psychological law of reciprocity says, if you make me feel good about myself, I will find a way to make you feel good about yourself.   

  Arranged Marriage:

This is a favourite topic for debates. According to the younger generation, love marriage is better as they can ‘vibe’ well. I think marriage is a big gamble anyway-arranged or otherwise. There is a lot to say in favour of each and against both. The biggest advantage of an arranged marriage is that when it rocks; everyone rallies around to help the couple save the marriage! While in a love marriage, the attitude is one of ‘you made your bed, so you manage the lumps’! If a love alliance is based on mature consideration of each others likes and dislikes and approach to life, it should do well. But if based on superficial considerations like looks or status-it is bad news. Most love matches are frowned upon by parents on either side for various reasons. If this is overcome before marriage, it is good going, if not, it is again bad news. Ultimately, the couple should remember that they not only marry each other but are wedded to the family too-at least in Indian society. Considering this, arranged marriages are more workable as the parents do a background check, look into economic, social and cultural compatibility- all of which can smoothen rough edges in marriage. But then, I repeat marriage is a gamble so use your head and not your heart when you choose a mate-is my advice. As the matrimonial Ad of a young man read ‘wanted girl with house and car-send picture of house and car’!

 Assertiveness:

Most of the problems women face are due to lack of assertiveness which is the ability to honestly express your opinion, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn’t infringe on the rights of others. It’s a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat. It involves respect both for your own needs and feelings and for those of the other person. In the stereotyped role that women play as daughter/wife/daughter-in-law, assertiveness is rarely found. Which is perhaps the reason why they are stressed out. One of the most important requirements for assertiveness is knowing what you want in life and the ability to verbalise it. You also need the courage of your conviction to stand by your goal, whatever the hurdle.

As people practice assertive communication, you can almost see that little spark of self-respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst into flame. People can sense it when you respect yourself, and they will treat you with respect. And that is the ultimate goal of assertive communication.

No-Nonsense Chayaisms -Animals...Ambition...Anger

        Animals:

 I love animals- that is why I am a vegetarian. What amazes me is that activists who cry hoarse against cruelty to animals are perfectly comfortable carving into a piece of Turkey! Animals have a right to live as much as we do and just because we have the intelligence to trap them and train them, we have no business to kill them and eat them. It is also heartrending to see animals dragging a cartload of goods, without proper nourishment to give them the strength. The civilized world continues to revel in sports that involve animals, with no sensitivity to their comfort. Animals don’t harm human beings unless provoked or hungry. Why do we then cheat them of their right to peaceful coexistence, just to satisfy our palate? There is so much hue and cry about preserving tigers and panthers. Why not the same about chicken and sheep? Ah ha- there goes a good meal!

    Ambition:

At 13, I had a burning ambition to become an actress. I imitated my favourite Nutan and Vyjayantimala and used my box camera to get my picture taken, dressed like them. I dreamed of winning the Filmfare award and signing autographs. At 19, I got married and at 21, became a mother of two. But my ambition still nestled somewhere in me. At 45 I got an opportunity to act in a Kannada film for just about 10 minutes, as a doctor! It happened when I was compering a film awards function and an actor/ producer who was present, chose me for the role. If we aim for the moon, we may get a star. But that is what ambition is all about. Be passionate enough about a purpose, the means will come. This again proved to be right about my ambition of starting a women’s organization. A well wisher gave me the funds to launch it and progressive business houses have been supporting it. Then I had this ambition of starting a mobile health/ counseling centre to reach out to the underprivileged at their doorstep. A casual acquaintance during my morning walk, liked the idea and he gifted the van and necessary funds for the project! Ambition is good, as long as it is not aimed at depriving others of what they have. Like Macbeth whose ambition to become King, caused so much devastation.

 Anger:

 It is good to get angry-once in a while-at your own folly! Anger is a useless form of hitting back at the one who is the cause of it. Cool! That is the most effective retaliation. The angrier you get, the less you must show it. Smile and swallow. Shift your anger from persons to issues. Corruption, violence, falling social values, failing education systems… there are enough reasons to get your blood boiling. The best way to vent it is by involving yourself in movements that can set them right. Raving and ranting does not help. A valuable tip-when you are angry, eat something. Sometimes, anger could be the result of hunger! The best way to deal with anger is to shut yourself in your room and write a nasty letter to the person you are angry with, pour out your wrath and then, tear the letter into bits. This improves your handwriting and spelling too! The other way is to take a soft toy and imagine it to be the person you are angry with – punch the toy till your hand hurts. It is better to flush your system this way than resort to verbal or physical violence. Exercise is a great way of getting anger out-it takes away the negative energy, converting it to a positive activity. It is said that when you feast on anger, you are the dish.