No Nonsense Chayaisms from the 80s…Terrorist me

Terrorist me

SOMETHING about me seems to spark off the suspicions of security staff. My face or physique must be conforming to a “type” of a terrorist but my mirror only reveals a greying, middle aged woman who could pass off for a middle school teacher or a happy housewife.

Yet, security guards at airports and airlines offices look twice at me, expecting me to explode a hand grenade into their face. No, it’s not my imagination that’s working overtime, nor am I paranoid. It’s actually happened.

There was this fat security female at the entrance to the Airlines of­fice. She was sitting in a chair and twiddling her toe nails as people went past her into the office. Sud­denly, she looked alert when she spotted me. Her radar seemed to have a spurious flash.

“Excuse me”, she said, none too politely, “open your bag”. Just for a moment I wished I had heeded my hubby’s advice to carry around a dainty handbag instead of a con­traption which is a cross between a hold-all and an overnighter!

Granted my bag had unseemly bulges due to my stuffing in a soap box, a torch and other parapherna­lia, but surely the security Miss couldn’t mistake them for explo­sives! She rummaged through the assorted collection in my bag and her eyes glinted. Her hand had found something heavy and metal­lic.

She gave me I-knew-you-were- no-good looks and gingerly picked up the heavy object. “What’s this?” she demanded, flourishing a cloth bag filled with what she presumed was some dynamite. “Open it”, I said with a smile and quite enjoyed her discomfiture when she undid the knot and found a whole lot of 25 np coins!

Bidding goodbye to visions of a quick promotion she settled down to twiddling her toes, waiting for another ‘type’ to come along.

At the Jaipur airport, while other women were given a quick looking over, I was held back for a thorough frisk — made me feel like a woman from the Middle East with an Omega watch belt around my waist.

‘Beep’ went the gadget she waved around me. That was enough to confirm her suspicion that I was trying to make a getaway after at least two bank robberies and a couple of killings. “Beep” went the gadget again and this time she searched thoroughly till she found the culprit — a huge baby nappy pin which was holding up my saree fall!!

The “crowning glory” of such experiences came at the Bangalore airport. After putting my small overnighter into the X-ray machine, I walked up to pick it up at the other end. ‘Wait’, said a curt voice, “open it”.

‘Now what’, I said to myself and mentally went through the contents of the case — my clothes and toiletries and a steel container my aunt had gifted as her daughter’s wedding memento. For a moment I wondered if someone had switched my case!

Enraged by my hesitation the security man prodded the bag say­ing, “There are round bomb like objects in metal — we want to see what they are — please open”.

Silently praying that the bag I wasn’t switched by a terrorist, I opened the bag. There — lying in the steel container were found luscious ladoos!! I mentally cursed aunty for planting such “deadly weapons” in her gift!