MOMISMS III..Is Your Child a Hypochondriac?

“Mummy, I have a cold.”

“Go and put on your sweater and sleep.”

“Mummy, I have a headache.’

“Here, take this tablet and lie down.”

“Mummy, I am not feeling well ……”

“Let’s go to the doctor and get you an injection … “

Yes, concern for your child is natural and necessary, but it should not stifle him. Most parents have this tendency to fuss over their children, especially since the Planned Parenthood has made the child a precious commodity.

In the olden days, parents had little time to devote to a child’s common cold or mild temperature. Nature had her way of curing or killing!

Today, right from the first yell, a child is subjected to various shots and doses – many of them “just-to-be-on-the-safe-side” kind of medication.

Feeding bottles, nappies and even safety pins are sterilized and the child is reared in a cocoon of clinical safety.

This is good to a certain extent. Cleanliness no doubt should be the criterion in bringing up a child, but protecting him totally from environmental pollution only reduces his immunity or resistance level.

A growing child has to go through certain ailments. Measles, chicken pox, colds, coughs and temperature are all part of the process! But there is no need to get hysterical about these. Whether you pump the child with medicine or not, certain afflictions have their cycles, and nature does good part of the trick.Getting a child used to too much of medication, will soon immunize him to its effects, with dangerous implications when he needs the medicines critically.

But, how do you decide when to fuss and when not to?

Some children are delicate by constitution and easily affected by a change of environment. This is where a parent must use discretion.

Once you know what is likely to cause the problem, avoid it. If milk gives him rashes, try something that has the nutrients of milk but not the side effects.

Nature provides abundant sources of nutrition which can by assimilated by the body, depending upon the individual’s metabolism.

Watch the child closely and isolate the causes of his discomfort. Don’t run to the doctor at every sneeze or cough. Wait for a day or two, and watch. Try home remedies like ginger juice or warm packs.

If the complaint persists, seek the doctor’s advice. Encourage your child to have a certain level of tolerance. If he has fever, he needn’t be bundled off to bed. Let him rest. Prop him up in a chair and allow him to play with his building blocks or meccano set.

If he has a headache, it could be because he’s hungry or he has had too much sun. As far as possible, let him try and get over it by resting – not by swallowing pills!

Plenty of fresh air, wholesome food and a wee bit of indifference to aches and pains will go a long way in making your child healthy.Many children feign illness to attract attention, and this develops into an incurable habit. Discourage your child from complaining about health. But be on your guard.Though seemingly indifferent, keep a watchful eye, so that no symptoms go unnoticed. Any often repeated complaint should be taken more seriously and attended to.

Don’t get panicky over his illness. This will make him a difficult patient. Treat the sick child casually as you would a hungry child. If you panic, the anxiety will communicate itself to him and psychologically affect his health.

Remember, a child is protected by nature more than we believe! The human body, like any mechanical gadget, has its breakdowns, and a child is no exception. Let him grow up with a healthy attitude to his body and it will respond. Concentrate on making his mind healthy and it will take care of his body!

MOMISMS...II...dedicated to moms..

The Oh So Weak Mother (OSWM) specializes in emotionally blackmailing her children. With a helpless sigh and a meek innocence, they have a strong sway over their children’s feelings. They expect kid-glove treatment and get away with imaginary swooning fits, aches and pains, making the children feel guilty about any form of disobedience. Such mothers unfortunately rob their children of their fighting spirit and chances are that they will end up emotionally weak adults.

God save children from interfering mothers (IM). They are the know-alls who feel they should advice their children on anything from shoe lace to investing in stocks and shares. They are at their Sunday best when the son or daughter marries as they are equally efficient in remote control interference. They play up the ‘mother knows best’ angle, making the interference seem more like a mission of mercy. They don’t know when to loosen the apron strings and never accept that the umbilical cord was cut long ago. Children find it hard to resist the mother for the fear of hurting her as her interference is in good faith. Many marriages are on the rocks, thanks to mothers like these.

STRICT Mothers (SM) often wield their rods too frequently. In the name of discipline, they clamp so many restrictions that the children find themselves in a cage of so called love and concern. The end result of such regimentation is that at the first opportunity, children fly away to freedom, sometimes going berserk.

There is no disputing the fact that a mother’s influence is from womb to the tomb. This makes motherhood a responsible position. It is important for a mother to be aware of her personality and its far reaching consequences. She should know when to be a friend, philosopher and guide to her children and to what degree each role should be performed.

The key point in a mother-child relationship is communication. The channel should be open for the child to express his/her hopes, fears, aspirations, frustrations. If a mother cannot cope with their problems, she should seek advice from her peers, elders or professionals, analyse the situation and then guide the child accordingly. A sensible mother tries to be a constructive critic.  I’ve heard so many mothers blaming the teacher for the child’s failure because they want to believe that their child is faultless. That is the crux of the whole problem. Most mothers are wantonly blind to their children’s faults for fear of it reflecting their own failure in being successful parents! This can be damaging to the growth of the child.

Of all the people a child is surrounded with, a mother’s words are most palatable. This being so, what a mother says or does has deep implications. He/she subconsciously carries these throughout life. It is all very well to revel in the status of motherhood, but it is a different matter to be a mother that the scriptures eulogise. For this, the rules emphasise discretion, fair-play, strong sense of justice, an open mind and above all, the ability to love the child without stifling his/her personality.

MOMISMS.I...dedicated to moms

The title attracted my attention Momism. Intrigued, I picked up the book from a wayside shop. What I read, threw light on the age old concept of motherhood. Trust Americans to come up with unusual theories! Momism, termed as asilent disease, is supposed to be peculiar to the middle-class American society but I feel it can easily be identified with Indian society as it exists today.

In a nutshell, Momism is all about the modern middle class American woman’s preoccupation with being a ‘good’ and ‘successful’ mother. The author is rather brutal in assessing this obsession and comes up with the ories that might touch the raw spot in any mother’s heart. One of the most shocking views that the author expresses is about how the modern day mother tries to fulfill her thwarted ambitions in professional life and diverts all her attention and energy to being a “successful” mother, thereby stifling the child both mentally and emotionally. Many misdemeanors of teenagers have been attributed to overzealous moms who have unintentionally but surely transferred their own frustrations to their children. By the time I had finished reading the book, I was sufficiently scared into asserting my own merit as a mother!

Over the years, the role of a mother has definitely undergone a drastic change. Elevated to Godhood, the ‘mother’ has been venerated in Holy Scriptures and hailed as ‘Matra DevoBhava.’ Even the skeptical and free-thinking Western philosophy believes that God could not be everywhere so he made ‘mother.’ My analysis of the evolution of mothers has been over the last three generations. The most interesting development has been in the attitudes and behavior of the mothers in their 40’s and 50’s what I would call the Nouveu Mothers (NM). Not as conservative as their own mothers, these NMs tend to temper their ‘motherism’ with traditional modernism and you have as a result, a variety of mothers who fall into certain categories:

The Ambitious Mother (AM) is always urging her children to do the things she secretly wanted to do herself but could not. I have seen many young girls do their Arangetram with such awkward movements that even their guru grimaces. When I asked these gurus why they allow their students to make fools of themselves, they put blame squarely on the mothers who pester them to hurry the debut. Recognising potential and encouraging it is fine, but forcing the child into something he/she has no aptitude for is criminal. You have a classic case of the mother of the Amritraj brothers who spent hours at the tennis court, watching her sons practice and even goading them when they slackened their pace or enthusiasm. Unfortunately, most mothers delude themselves about their children’s prowess and breathe down their neck. I still recall the heartrending cries of my neighbour’s six year old son as his mother bullied him into learning tabla. ‘No mama, please mama,’ he would wail and she would spank him. I tentatively suggested her to let him get over his resistance to the idea but she politely told me to mind my own business as she was hoping her son would be a better tabla player than her sister’s son! So, competition between sisters has to be through their children!

More cantankerous than the AM is the PM (Pushing Mother). These mothers don’t hesitate to flaunt their daughter’s physical assets to further their own ambitions. We hear enough of these in the film world. They are prepared to sacrifice their daughter’s happiness at the altar of their greed and avarice.

To be contd...

WHEN MOTHER'S LOVE IS BLIND

There is the story of a young criminal sentenced to death. As his last wish, he wanted to meet his mother. The jailer brought her and the criminal slapped her on her cheek. The jailer was taken aback and wanted to know why he did that and he answered, ’If she had done this to me long ago, I would not have ended this way’. I am a regular follower of different Soaps on TV, not as entertainment but more as a form of edutainment.  What we see there is not the figment of the imagination of those who churn them out day after day.  They look around them and find the inspiration from life. The next series of my blog are about the role of mother/father in the mental grooming of the child and the impact it has on the entire life of the child.

Will start with the popular Pihu of ‘bade ache…”.Pihu is the prototype of a spoilt child who has her parents eating out of her hand.  Right from her diet consisting of chocolates and aloo paratha, she not only gets her way but is also pampered with it.  Her conversation is very precocious and the parents are very proud of it.  She grows up as a willful girl who has to just demand and it is there on a platter.  This encourages her to be very manipulative among her peers and with the family.  She goes to the extent of accusing her school fellow of trying to rape her while actually she was caught in his arms willing.  Her mother Priya believes her story because she ‘wants to, lest her own reputation as mother will be at stake!! This whole charade leads to the suicide of the innocent boy and Priya keeps her husband out of all this, wanting to handle it herself!!  When there is no team work between husband and wife, it results in situations that only one parent will not be able to sort out and the child takes advantage of it!

Pihu was the pivot around which every activity in the family is planned, including her engagement to her childhood friend of the family who is in love with another girl.  Pihu is very adamant about ‘having’ Sammy for her husband despite his love for another girl. She is only after him to prove her point-that Pihu gets what Pihu wants and her totally besotted father agrees to ‘get’ her man for her like he is some object to possess! The brat is now totally in charge of her parents.  The mother, who was initially responsible for spoiling her, now tries to do the right thing for the wronged girl, Sammy’s love who is now pregnant with his child.  Pihu does not care…she is too used to having her way, thanks to her indulgent father and righteous but weak mother. She demands that her father choose between her and Priya who is against the marriage! Priya willingly walks out of the house, not wanting to make it difficult for her husband to chose.  She is as blinded by love for her husband as she has been for her daughter!

History repeats itself!!  In the Mahabharatha, Gandhari willingly blindfolded herself and remained blind to the faults of her sons, thus losing all of them.  There is a better way of showing love to children than succumbing to every demand of theirs.Short term gratification results  in long term mortification!!

MY MAID MEERA

 She looked efficient and dependable and did not ask me the usual questions others did. She did not want to know if I had a Tata sky connection with SUN TV channel..if my children ate more than 4 rotis each…if we had parties  3 days a week…if we had relatives dropping in every now and then. She had only one query: If I’d leave the house for her to mind while I’m at away at work!  When I said I’d prefer locking up, she gave a determined sigh and agreed to work for me.”  I don’t want the hassles of being responsible for your house.  I think I’ll work for you.”  Short of clutching her to my bosom, I was over-whelmed with gratitude. When we had moved into the new colony, I had been warned by the watchman that maids are very choosy and difficult to come by.

Meera moved into our service quarters with her husband, three sons and a huge portrait of Ganaeshji.Very garrulous, she reels off all her good qualities to me as she goes about her chores.  Not daring to shut her up,  I make suitable sounds of awe and let her go on. I’ve discovered that the more she brags about her prowess, the better my floors shine and vessels sparkle!  As for her, the only thing that impresses her about me is my pooja room.  While she is chopping onions, she spews her philosophy-about  her being dedicated to her work which is worship-about fulfilling her ‘karma’ of her previous birth,-of praying to God for health so  that she can please discerning home makers like me!

I can’t help admiring the woman who though uneducated, has worked out her own equations for happiness. I feel ashamed at my intolerance of a woman who does not shy away from washing my dinner plate, to keep her home and hearth, while I can pretend to listen intently to the meaningless chatter of my friends at a cocktail party!  Chastising my hollow values, I have become generous about lending my ear to Meera.

She is fascinated by my computer.  The only time she ceases her incessant chatter is when she sees me working on it.  For some reason, she finds it fascinating and dusts it with veneration. Discovering the secret of silencing her, I rush to my system every time she starts off!!

Imagine my chagrin when I realized the repercussions of Meera's weakness for my computer. At all odd hours, I found strangers at my door, wanting me to type 3 copies of an application form or 10 copies of a CV!  Puzzled by this, I asked one of them why they came to me.  “Your maid told us that you do typing work and very well too.  So instead of going to a roadside job typist, we decided to come to our colony typist!”  Thanks to Meera, a new business opportunity knocks at my door!

THE TIME OF MY LIFE..XXIV..Aching to be an actor!!

Rajshri Films had started a new trend in Hindi Cinema with their low  budget, light comedies like Dulhan wohi jo piya man bhaye and others of this genre, I cajoled Srivatsa to take me to their office in Worli to meet the people in charge for finding new faces. I left my pictures and telephone number and have been waiting for a call all these years!

My dearest wish was to act as Amitaab Bachchan’s mother in a movie. That would mean my playing my fingers lightly through his hair as he lay with his head on my lap, singing ‘hey maa, teri surat se alag, bhagavan ki  surat kya hogi ‘l do not know why actresses think it’s demotion when they are given mother roles. Our films give more respect to the mother than the heroine who is there only to bare her assets. I guess I have missed the bus again since Amitaab is looking more like my father!  A sister’s role would be just fine . Hope never dies.

Acting in a serial  for the TV is the next best option for an aspiring actress. Burjor Patel is a well known producer of English plays in Mumbai. He decided to try his hand at making it to the TV . This was in the early eighties when Doordarshan was the only channel. Burjor was a senior manager of a Calcutta based publication and I had met him in the course of my work. All those who meet me, are given a gist of my current obsession, whether they like it or not and Burjor was no exception. He knew my passion for acting and he invited me to an audition. It was to choose a feminist neighbour of the heroine, for the pilot episode he was shooting for TV. I was selected for the role and the shoot was to be in an apartment in Cuffe Parade. The lead role was played by Burjor’s wife Ruby who was a seasoned stage actress. Sayeed Jaffrey was to play her  husband. He had just made news with his role in Gandhi and his star rating was high. I was overwhelmed to be in his presence and very self conscious about mouthing my dialogues. But he was so cool… joking around and encouraging me like I was the best actress he had ever met. I felt totally at ease and started enjoying the part. Unfortunately, the serial did not make its way to the in tray of the mandarins of Mandi House (as the Powers that be at Delhi TV station are known) and it was love’s labour lost.

Over the years, the craze to be on stage and screen has diminished but I still consider my training my training classes and public speeches as a form of acting … a performance. While in Allentown, visiting Anil and Deepali, I had a novel outlet for my acting fever. I read a poster in the local Library, calling for volunteers for the Crime Victims Council. Since I had nothing much to do during the day while Anil and Deep ere away at work , I rang up the number given and spoke to Freda Rafes, the Facilitator. She invited me to act in the role play sessions of the Child Abuse Prevention Programme which they conduct in elementary schools. To show children how to be safe, strong and free. I had to act according to a prepared script, as a ten year old bully who swindles the six year old of her lunch money; as the stranger who lures little children away and a seven year old girl who has to say no uncle Harry who wants to kiss her. This is in a way a training module created for kids, to prepare them for self defence, with a non conflict approach. It was a challenge to do these roles before six and seven year old American children who found my skin colour and accent fascinating. Some tiny voices piped up to tell me’ I like your voice’. This is a very meaningful module and can be useful for young girls to grow up with an awareness of the concept of being Safe, Strong and Free.