No-Nonsense Chayaisms-Siblings...smile...smoking

 

Siblings:

Of all relationships, that of siblings is the most sacred. This bond starting with ones childhood, is worth nurturing for various reasons. Besides sharing parents, siblings have the laughter, the tears, the fun and frolic of growing years that make up a montage of pleasurable memories. I love remembering the arm twisting tactics I resorted to, to make my four siblings acknowledge my position in the pecking order! As we grew older, we had many rollicking years, gorging on the yummies made by mother; making fun of the idiosyncrasies of friends or relatives; finding ways to hoodwink father into letting us go for a movie…As one by one, we slowly moved out of the nest, to get married/to study, we have continued to keep the link. Our kids and their kids have taken the cue and hopefully, the trend will continue. I think parents play a key role in keeping siblings together. They should be nonpartisan and be fair in apportioning their attention and property. Most siblings tensions arise out of inequitable distribution of wealth and affection. Parents would do well to keep this in mind before writing their Will. Besides, more than a legacy of brick and mortar or bank accounts, the treasure they should leave behind is sibling oneness. I thank my parents for their invaluable gift to the five of us. 

             Smile:

Gandhiji said a person is not fully dressed till he/she wears smile. It is so easy to do so and spread a bit of sunshine. A smile uses less facial muscles than a frown. Yet, why do we see so many sour faces around us? The first time I went to the US on an assignment, it was a long walk from the apartment to the studio where I worked in Manhattan. The first day, it was uncomfortable to smile back when strangers waved a cheery ‘Hi’ as they passed. But the bug caught me and it was so much fun, every morning, smiling and greeting all kinds of people. By the time I reached my work spot, I felt so light and peppy that the long hours just slipped past. I find women are more reluctant to smile than men-especially at other women! They are wary of each other and hesitate to smile and establish eye contact. A smile from the eye is what really releases the good feeling-in the one who flashes it and the one who receives. As someone put it, a smile is a curve that straightens relationships!

                            Smoking:

Smokers are injurious to health-of-non-smokers. Smoking Kills. Every year, more than 400,000 deaths are attributed to smoking. It’s banned in restaurants, workplaces and other public areas. It’s illegal for cigarettes to be sold to anyone under 18. Yet, smokers puff away with no concern for non smokers. Reports state secondary smoke causes lung cancer and respiratory diseases-but who cares, say the puffers as they light the next one-right under your nose! I have often ticked off fellow passengers on the train/bus for smoking and only get a glare as they take deep drags. Smokers are insensitive to the comfort of others and shamelessly enjoy every puff as they huff like the wolf did with the three pigs.

No-Nonsense Chayaisms-Sex...Sexual harassment

                                     Sex:

A word that is taboo in polite society? But an act that is corrupting this very fabric of social norms and its values. Is it attractive because of the ‘hush hush’ aura surrounding it? What is worrisome is that it has assumed prime importance in the life of men and women and tragically, children too. There is too much emphasis on sex in books, films and real life. As a teenager, reading Mills and Boon romances, I was thrilled with the stern and handsome man warding off the mushy glances of the pretty young heroine till he succumbs to her simplicity and charm and falls in love with her to passionately kiss her in the last page. It sent us into dream world of ethereal romance-whatever that means! But the whole scenario has changed now. The story begins with a steamy account of the sexual encounter of the man and woman and slowly progress towards love. It is like putting the cart before the horse. Sex is fine as long as it is confined to marriage and with the married partner. Anything outside of it is unhealthy for the individual and society. In a society otherwise devoid of permanence, a world otherwise lacking any sense of purpose whatsoever, married sex is the most pleasurable, married love the most meaningful.   

                 Sexual harassment:

Why do women fall prey to sexual harassment at workplace or anywhere else? Some say it is because they are afraid of losing their job, some because they are afraid of others ‘blaming’ them, some because they are afraid of retaliation if they resist! The common refrain is fear. Men hesitate to stalk women who are confident and assertive. They are smart enough to choose a victim who silently suffers the assault, for whatever reason. On the other hand, there are some women who ‘kiss and tell’. They initially lead the man to believe he has a chance to win her favours and when it gets too close for comfort, raise an alarm! It is high time women learn to handle such situations themselves without resorting to legal redress. It is our mind and body and we should protect it from unwelcome advances. Having been in diverse profession like Advertising, Journalism, Modeling, Acting and Public Relations, there have been many situations when I have had to ward off predators. It was my communication skills and assertiveness that put the men in their place. While I am happy that there are legal remedies, I feel it would be better for women to be empowered enough to curb the culprits. As for men inclined to do this base act, I would say ‘kuch tho sharam karo’.                  

No-Nonsense Chayaisms-Romance..Self confidence...Self esteem

                  Romance:

As teenager, my staple diet was the mushy Mills & Boon series. It gave me a totally lopsided version of romance. I dreamt of meeting the strong, silent stranger who would flip for my smile and after a few minor conflicts, propose to me in flowery language, then gather me in his arms, to shower undying love. Sigh! Life soon taught me that writers have a lively imagination using romance as a ploy to get young girls to escape from the hard realities of acne and hormonal changes. Moonlight trysts, candlelight dinners and fancy gift-wrappings do not make romance. I think romance is a gentle squeeze of the hand….a tender hug…a loving look….ice candy at a local vendor’s…a walk in the rain…a silly ‘miss you’ card…! Women tend to be more unrealistic in that they weave dreams around all this so-called romantic ‘crap’. Men think it is a waste of time and rather get down to business. I have heard of a ‘romance coach’ in US who has a workshop on how to woo women (men are not too fussy about this). He also conducts special sessions on how to understand this nebulous concept and make it work. I wish he would open a chapter in India. Indian men sadly lack the romantic streak.

                 Self confidence:

I am told I am intimidating. What do I do about it? I’m who I am-it is up to the other person to be intimidated or not. I have no control over that person’s reaction or perception. What intimidates them? My self confidence? My assertiveness or my open communication? The same qualities in a man are admired while in a woman they are construed as threatening. I believe in myself and have no ill feelings towards others so I walk tall (though I am only 5 feet nothing). If that puts off someone, I feel sorry for that person for he or she has a massive negative baggage on the back. Shrug it off I say and make friends with me-what intimidated you earlier might just inspire you. Check it out!

                                 Self esteem:

I may appear conceited. That is because I think highly of myself and why not? Loving oneself is a short step to loving others. I look at the world the way I look at myself-full of good things! The world looks at you the way you look at yourself too. I have tremendous self esteem which has stood by me when I went through a traumatic experience in my professional life. I believe what Stephen Covey said-you have no control over circumstances but you certainly have over your response to it. No one can take away from me my faith in my goodness. That is my own treasure, which will never make me go bankrupt.    

No-Nonsense Chayaisms-Reproductive rights...Riches...Road Rage

Reproductive rights:

Why am I taking up this topic? Because I find politicians discussing this in their debate, religious heads expressing their opinion and Bills being passed in favour or against abortion by men who think they know best! Who is left with the baby, literally? The woman of course and she has no say in the matter? What do men know about carrying a baby in the womb for 9 months, going through excruciating labour pains, getting up in the middle of the night to suckle the baby and keeping your sanity all the while. Then the child gets the name of the father! Having a baby or not having one, should be the decision of the woman-especially if it is an unwanted pregnancy out of wedlock, in an unhappy marriage or due to rape. It is better not to have the baby thus give it a raw deal after birth. We each need to deal with the abortion issue in our own way, in the privacy of our own homes, with our family and friends…Since it is the woman’s body which has to go through the travails of motherhood, it is her decision to make. ‘It is my body, my choice’-but that also means a woman must not knowingly and willingly get into a situation where she has to handle an unwanted pregnancy and abort the child. That is murder. A woman’s true sign of empowerment is when she has reproductive rights.

  Riches:

Heard of the poor little rich woman whose bank account was full, but her heart was empty? That seems to be the case with many women I have met. They have chauffeur driven cars, designer clothes and chunky jewelry. But there is no sparkle in their eyes. Why do we relate ‘richness’ to money? If we move away from the definition, then we are surrounded by riches-of our culture, tradition, heritage, Natural resources, human resources, talent, diversity…the list is endless. All we need to do is count the blessings we have and realize how wealthy we are. Today, we have many avaricious people who would like to get rich overnight and have contributed to the increasing volume of corruption and fall in moral and ethical values. In the long run, the one who is really enriched is the one who associates ‘riches’ with peace of mind and sound sleep. I am a rich woman.

\                            Road rage:

A comprehensive study of road safety found that human error was the sole cause in 57% of all accidents and was a contributing fact in over 90%. In contrast, only 2.4% were due solely to mechanical fault and only 4.7% were caused only by environmental factors. I quote this information. And it makes me angry. When you are at the wheel, you have no business to be thinking of anything other than the road, its rules and your driving. Long ago, I realized I did not have this ability and I do not drive. Ten years ago I founded the Road Accident Victims’ families’ Welfare Foundation, to provide counseling and legal services to the victims’ families. It is heartrending to see parents of young people who are killed in road accidents due to no fault of theirs but of other rash drivers. It is said that more people die of road accidents than in war as it happens every day. Drunken drivers must be put behind bars and their license confiscated. Licensing authorities must ensure they are giving it to the right person and road rules must be enforced strictly. Rich parents, who gift their children fast cars and get them off the hook when they violate traffic rules, causing accidents, must be punished even more severely than the culprits. When someone hits and drives away, he is cold blooded murderer. At least, stop and reach the victim to the hospital – he/she may survive. A person’s character is measured by the way he/she drives. Next time you are behind that wheel, remember that safe driving is life saving – it may be yours!