MOMISMS..XXII...Are You A Sensible Parent?

“Mama, I want an electronic plane to take to school.”

“Papa, I want to take a car to college”…

“Mama I want … Papa I want ………”

To all these demands, what would be your answer? “If I can afford it, why not,” is one parent’s answer while the other says, ”I will do anything for my child.” But a sensible parent would tackle the whole thing in a diplomatic manner.

Most parents, especially the affluent ones, think that the best way to demonstrate their love for the child is by loading him with gifts and indulging his whims. The child grows up with the belief that the world is his for the asking and ends up as a self centred egoist.

“But what can I do?” wails a mother whose teenage daughter does as she pleases. She buys clothes from expensive boutiques, loves treating her friends at five-star hotels and keeps late-nights, partying. The mother is helpless. So also Kishu’s parents. He is a bright 16-year-old but spends all his time tuning-in to his expensive music system, taking girlfriends on long drives and watching action films on videos.

“Kishu just refuses to listen to us,” complain his parents. Who is to be blamed? The fun-loving youngsters or their indulgent parents?

Unlike the profound – which-came-first-the-egg-or-the-chicken question, the answer to this is simple – parents are the culprits. There was a time when children grew up on their own! This was especially so in a family of four or five children. Whatever their economic status, parents did not pay attention to home-work, lunch box and the lot. Either there was an old faithful servant to attend to these or a widowed aunt who made it her business. The youngsters grew up to believe that you had to either eat what was made or go hungry; wear what was bought or go out in tatters, study or be punished in school. The responsibility was entirely on their young shoulders. There were no tantrums, no bickering over ‘this is mine’ or ‘I want that’.

Small Family

The scenario is different now. With the small family becoming more fashionable, parents are getting too obsessed with their children’s affairs. “My munna likes cabbage but baby doesn’t like it, so I make another dish for her”… this is the way mothers ‘charm’ their children, under the misguided illusion of showing love.

They make it a habit to sit with the children while they do their homework, some pay exorbitant sums to ‘tuition teachers’ to do ‘proxy mothering’ at study time. This way, the child becomes totally dependent on an adult to help him with what he should train himself to do.

Kids these days are made too clothes-conscious for their good. This is again, thanks to the fancy ideas of parents. Bow ties, safari-suits and three-piece suits pr slinky gowns with knee length slits, elaborate lehengas and cholis… no doubt the mites look attractive but it encourages a preoccupation with physical adornment which will become their sole interest as they grow older.

How does one infuse the children with a sense of proportion? It begins with having it yourself! Don’t get carried away by your own capacity to inundate your child with goodies. Teach him the value of things and that means, the Price is of secondary importance.

Let the training begin from the cradle. If he cries out, check for his being wet or hungry. If neither, let him cry it out. It’s good for the lungs. Don’t indulge him by picking him up and wooing him. The little fellow is pretty smart and learns fast. Allow him to amuse himself by tying a few rattles or other eye-catching baubles and go about your work. You may keep talking to him just to let him know you are around but not too keen on being exploited!

Exasperating

Feeding time, to many mothers is an exasperating one. That’s because they indulge the little one’s palate more than they need to. He must be trained to eat everything. If he makes a fuss, leave him alone. He will, when he’s hungry, come back for it. Don’t let your tender feelings get the better of you. A hard-hearted mother does more for her child’s development than a sentiment alone. It goes without saying that the ‘heart should be hardened with love and not malice’!

As the child grows older he learns a valuable lesson – he can’t get away with anything. Now, gradually train him to realize that everything in life has to be earned. Encourage him to look after his things and do his own work. Like drying his towel after a bath or making his bed. Of course you have servants to do these, but you should not let your child depend too much on another adult. Offer incentives – like a special cake every Saturday if he has behaved himself the whole week. This enhances the child’s pleasure when he’s eating the cake for he has ‘earned’ it. Put a price on everything. “I’ll buy you the electronic train you wanted provided you wash your hands without being told before eating”. Washing his hands becomes a means to his goal. Even your punishments must be sensible ones. Beating a child only makes him stubborn. Cut out his perks as per the magnitude of his misbehavior. Let him forgo his playtime if he has not finished his homework – no tuck money if he has thrown a tantrum. All this may sound like military regimentation but a bit of discipline in the younger days, inculcates values which remain forever.

The trouble is parents themselves have no discipline! The more affluent they are, the more problems they have! The child is not something unique, to be petted and pampered and made much of. Treat him as an individual – not another status symbol! By all means love them, cuddle them, provide for them … but behind all this, keep in mind a warning – “Where parents do too much for their children, the children will not do much for themselves”.

MOMISMS XXI...Tackling queries on ‘facts of life’

“Mummy, how are children born?”

“Keep quiet. You should not ask such questions.”

“Mummy, why was daddy scolding you?”

“Don’t interfere like that!”

“Mummy, why is baby sister different from me?”

“It's because you are a naughty boy.”

Just so that wrong answers will distort a child’s mind. Why, do parents shy away from meeting a child’s curiosity squarely? Why do they thwart the natural curiosity of a child and drive him to satisfy it by less desirable means? A child’s mind is most active during the early years of his life, when it is uncluttered with the problems of life prejudices and fears. This is the time he can be moulded into an intelligent human being. His curiosity can be channelized and his thirst for knowledge nurtured. Yet, parents put down this probing tendency of their children, to impudence and shut them up rudely. This precipitates matters as the mind gets more confused and the curiosity becomes an obsession.

Voice Doubts

How does one tackle the questions of a child? When something baffles him, the first person he can think of, is the parent, to clarify his doubts. As a baby, he found his answer to his question, ‘what is this?’ by putting it in his mouth. His sense of taste helped him come to conclusion whether he liked ‘this’ or not. Once he starts speaking it is but natural that he will voice his doubts.

You might wonder how to answer his rather difficult questions – remember, the easiest way is the simplest and the easiest way is to be frank. How ‘frank’, is left to your discretion as also the maturity of the child. If you are expecting a second child and your four-year-old asks you searching questions about your bulging stomach and how the little one inside can make his appearance, you will no doubt get flustered.

Putting Off

There is no point in putting off the child by giving him tales of cabbages and storks bringing babies. When he comes to know the truth one day, he will never believe you again. The best way to introduce the facts of life to a child is to have a dog at home. Children can relate to a pet better than to an adult and seeing a dog producing a litter clears his mind and accepts the human parallel more easily. You could even tell the child gently “you are too young to understand. I will tell you gradually, as you grow older”.

Keep up the promise and by and by explain to him the mystery of birth and death. You could make the facts of life sound as a natural phenomenon, rather than a sexual act. The clichéd birds and bees approach helps to a certain extent. You could also get hold of a plastic model of human anatomy and explain the functions of each organ. This way, you can make the sexual act sound as commonplace as eating when hungry or blowing your nose when you have a cold. It is important that he looks upon his body as purely functional machinery which has to be kept in shape to perform its various duties. All this requires tremendous patience and imagination, but it’s worth it!

Heart to heart

There is no point in hiding your financial problems from children. Parents do the mistake of suffering silently, letting the child believe all is well. Have a heart to heart chat with your children about your financial capacity and they will tailor their demands accordingly. Involve them in your problems – after all, they are affected too and have a right to know. If you have had a setback in your career, don’t feel ashamed to tell your children about it. It is better coming from you than a colored version from an outsider!

If your child wants to know why you are fighting with your husband, tell him the reason in as acceptable a manner as you can.

For an open communication channel between two generations, a barrier-down attitude is important. A free and frank exchange of fears, ideas and thoughts will go a long way in making your child a balanced individual. It will instill in him the desire to speak the truth and what’s more, increase your credibility as a person he can look up to.

MOMISMS..XX...Your child and God

“Mummy, will I grow tall?”

“Pray to God and you’ll grow tall.”

 “Mummy, what if don’t pray?”

“God will punish you.”

“Mummy, how to make God happy?”

“You tell him you will put your piggy bank money in the hundi in the temple…”

For years, sages and seers have been trying to analyse this concept called ‘God’ and yet, here are parents who can dismiss Him with an image reminding you of a stern school-teacher, greedy creditor and somehow open to bribery!! The child grows up with false notions about God. He starts depending on this genie to make him pass in his exams without studying! He distrusts God when his wishes are not granted and on the whole, becomes confused about this being called ‘God’. A pity, because He would have been a great source of inner strength, if sought with the right approach. This is where parents have to straighten their own perception of the Almighty.

To begin with, it’s all wrong to let your child look upon God as someone up there, ready with boons to be showered on those that woo Him. Let your child develop a pragmatic approach. If he wants to know how to grow tall, tell him he has to eat well, do push ups or stretching and bending exercises, play outdoors etc. why bring God into the picture? You must encourage your child to believe that he is the architect of his life. How he designs his actions and thoughts, will determine the shape his future will take. Let him believe in his own capacity and encourage him to build up confidence in his ability. God need not be introduced at this stage.

If your child is doing something wrong, don’t threaten him with dire consequences from an angered God. There is no point in putting the fear of the unseen in him. On the other hand explain to him how he has been blessed with certain comforts and luxuries and how he’d be hurting the Benefactor by not behaving himself. Let him get a feeling of love for the supreme being. Show him how beautiful is the world with its rivers and dales, mountains, birds, flowers, human beings, insects and animals … Let him connect God with a mysterious force which directs the harmonious sights and sounds of nature. The master craftsman who has moulded the symmetrical bodies of humans and animals… the child will look upon Him as a creator --- a friend … a person to be respected and loved.

Make the child realize that this benevolent conductor of the universe, wishes all His creatures to be good and happy and any discordant action of theirs will make him unhappy. Fear of God’s unhappiness should be born out of love for Him and a hesitation to incur His displeasure… not wrath!

Another harm a parent can do to a child’s belief is by giving him false hopes like saying he will become tall by praying!! The child, if he does not become tall, will look upon God as a ‘cheater’ who takes in all the prayers but doesn’t fulfill His side of the bargain!

Tremendous

Your responsibility as a parent is tremendous. You have to explain to a child, a mystery that saints have not been able to fathom God. In your explanation lies the little one’s entire attitude towards Him. Be very careful. Let your child believe that “God is what man finds that is divine in himself. God is the best way man can behave in the ordinary occasions of life, and the farthest point to which man can stretch himself.” Once a child gets his ideas sorted out, he will look upon all attendant theories like religion, caste and creed, as mere words.

In this age of terrorism violence and cruelty, the only safe concept is that of God. Don’t steal this anchor from your child. All else that you bestow on him will be futile. The faith that you instill in him will be his fountainhead of strength, his moral fibre.

MOMISMS...XIX... Are you a Kill-joy parent?

“Don’t climb trees”, “Don’t eat raw mangoes”, “Don’t swing too high”, “Don’t listen to such high music”, “Don’t eat so much pop corn”, “Don’t…Don’t….Don’t…”What a lot of restrictions we parents impose on children!

The very pleasures we indulged in as children, we forbid ours to taste. What thrill there was in climbing trees and peeping through the clusters of leaves and eating raw mango plucked after a perilous climb. The same mango, washed and neatly sliced and eaten in the clinical atmosphere of the dining room lost its twang- the sour mango whetted our appetite as nothing else did.

Yet we deny our children the same pleasure. Oh! The thrill of going high- high on the swing. The wind rushing into the face and for a moment one felt like a bird, soaring into that cottony region called sky. Why do we forget that when we chide the youngsters for swinging high...

Ye we deny our children the same pleasure

“Don’t “is a word we use too often, curbing the adventurous spirit of childhood. That wherein the children discover the joys of nature, last for too short a while, so let them savor every minute of it. Coming home from school, my neighbor’s six year old son has such a good time in climbing in and out of pot holes, splashing in puddles of water and kicking around pebbles. His mother groans about the condition of his shoes.

But the little fellow has such a look of bliss on his face that a pair of shoes seems worth sacrificing. Children love playing in mud just as we did when we were young. We selfishly think of the dhobi’s bill when they soil the clothes- why not think of the simple joy that they derive from mother earth? They won’t play with it after a couple of years, their creative urge has to find an outlet and they turn to nature. Admire the things they make with a little water and mud, see the things they fashion out of it through their eyes and relive your childhood.

Climbing trees, playing marbles, collecting caterpillars and generally looking like a “chimney sweep” all belong to the magic of childhood. A fall from the tree may result in a few broken bones, which sets the maternal heart aflutter, but the little victim himself is proud of his “wounds” that he feels a hero. The fall adds to his stature amongst his friends.

My niece and nephew are always comparing the “hurts” they have and vie with each other in getting them. You just cannot cure this masochistic tendency. Moreover a fall or two adds to the child’s Kaleidoscope of experience which leaves a more lasting impression that your constant “don’ts. The next time he climbs a tree, he will make sure he doesn’t fall.

As for eating raw mangoes the worst that can happen is a sore throat or an upset tummy, both of which he himself has to suffer. This again impresses on him that for every pleasure there will be a pain too. Isn’t that a basic truth of the philosophy of life?

A world of make-believe contributes a good amount of thrill to the youngsters. “Why does it rain” the little one wants to know, “Because the gods are crying when the children are naughty and trouble their mummies”-the little one looks up at the weeping sky and resolves never to be “naughty” again ; but alas! The class teachers soon tell him it’s just a matter of “evaporation and condensation.”

Let’s encourage them to believe in fairies and elves and fairy god mothers chased by wicked witches on broomsticks. Let them wander freely in the wonderland of talking cabbages and jumping turnips. Let’s not squash their imagination with a “don’t be silly, there is no Santa Claus.”

Something Sensible

Childhood is made up of fantasies which are slowly left behind in the nursery as time passes, just as the snake sheds its skin. Give your child something to remember in later years, so that when he has nothing but memories to keep him company, the communion will be a happy one.

Talking about his childhood fantasies which made him believe that fir trees touched the sky, hood sadly asserts that “I’m further off from Heaven then when I was a boy.”Let your child indulge in that thrilling wonderland of superman, batman and the like instead of nagging him to read “something sensible” all the time.

Childhood is the “Golden age” of life, so why not help our child crowd it with precious moments? Leave them to their own devices as far as possible and let their inherent talents flourish.  Parents have a way of thrusting their own unfulfilled ambitions on their children and expecting them to live up to their ideals right from the time they are in their knickerbockers. Why not let the child discover his own interest and help him achieve his own ambition?

Don’t doll up your child in her best party frock and make her sit like a debutante just to satisfy your ego. Why let the child reflect their parents’ affluence? Rich or poor, a child is a child for all that, and his fingers itch to stick into the icing on a cake just as it does, to pick up a snail. He’ll do neither of these, when he grows into an adult. For that matter, in what way are we adults better?

Smoking, alcohol, gambling etc are vices, yet adults take to the. In what way are we qualified to tell the young nit to do this or that when we set such a bad example ourselves? The Next time when you tell your child-“don’t”-------- do look into your own life and see “how many don’ts you are doing”.

Don’t kill the pleasures of childhood.