Fashioned by their men

My 18-year-old niece Asha changed overnight.  Always fond of lounging in jeans, she started wearing saris or churidar and kurta.  A bindi made a sudden appearance on her hitherto blank forehead; her hair tied in a demure ponytail came as a surprise after her wild banshee look of yore!  Her mother was worried, though secretly happy to see the transformation for the better.  She couldn’t believe her years of nagging had paid off at last and Asha was turning out to be the model daughter.  She requested me to probe and find out the reason for the metamorphosis and I cornered Asha in one of the family gatherings. 

Unlike her usual boisterous manner, she was very subdued and spoke in soft tones.  Unable to contain my curiosity, I took her to my sister’s room and said, “Out with it Asha, why this new look?”  Asha blushed, fluttered her eyelashes and whispered, “My boyfriend likes me to be this way”.  I burst out laughing “Your boyfriend?  Pray why should you do what he wants you to do”.

“Come on aunty.  Don’t you understand?  I love him and would do anything for him.  He’s very old-fashioned and wants me to dress the way his sisters do.”

It was a most touching gesture as well as the most stupid .What women will do to please a man!  It reminded me of my friend Kusum who was very keen on cutting her hair short but was afraid to do so because her husband was against it.  And why was he so?  Because his mother did not approve of a daughter-in-law with short hair!

Sometime I wonder what we women are doing to ourselves.  All our life, we are pandering to the wishes of our father, brother, husband or sons.  My teenage sons refused to go out with me when I wear my jeans.  “You should look like a mother”, was their logic in asking me to wear a saree.  They also have set ideas on what they expect from their wives. The other day, I was discussing the attributes of a vacuum cleaner with a professor in an engineering college.  He was vehemently opposing the concept of any mechanical device that makes housework time saving.  “My wife has nothing to do the whole day, why can’t she do things manually?  She has all the time.  I don’t like her sleeping in the afternoons, as she will get fat and lazy.  I think housewives should not depend on gadgets “All I could say was boooo to him!

Classroom in the womb

We always look to the west for fresh ideas on anything and make a song and dance about all their theories.  Their latest seems to be one on speaking to the child in the womb to be able to give birth to a genius.

Actually, there is nothing new or amazing about this theory as I’ve seen my grandmother practicing it on her daughters and pass it on to us when it was our turn.  I remember how amused I was when she in insisted on my listening to carnatic music and religious discourses when I was expecting my son.  Every evening she’d make it a point to recite her prayers loudly while I was made to sit beside her so that the child would be indoctrinated at the womb stage.  My father, a doctor, would indulgently let his mother have her way, but would later tell me how crazy the idea was.

Medical explanations aside I tend to now agree with grandma.  Looking at the wild and whimsical products of the new generation, I’m convinced it’s a spillover of their mother’s own habits.  The tensions and strains of modern living, besides the pressures of career, seem to have made the present day mother a bundle of nerves.  There is little time to listen to music leave aside discourses.  These turbulent thoughts and reflexes must communicate themselves to the child if one believes in waves and vibrations.  Just as the expectant mother’s intake can harm the life within, it is equally damaging to indulge in high living and tightrope walking.  R   e    l    a    x!

In olden days, an expectant mother was promptly packed off to her mother so that she can relax – both in body and mind.  It was presumed that she’d be more content and happy in the midst of her kith and kin, who shower attention and affection.  She was fed her favourite dishes, as tight control on her diet would be imposed after confinement.  Every wish of an expectant mother was to be fulfilled so that her mental equilibrium had to be maintained.  All this is pooh-poohed by educated women and tight fisted hubbies today.

A mother’s influence on the child’s psyche cannot be underestimated.  It stands to reason that a human being constantly nestling in the womb of another, directly imbibes both physical sustenance and mental reflexes It is indeed an experiment worth trying, to have mothers to be isolated in special ‘homes’ during their pregnancy.  They should be allowed to soak in the tranquility of quiet green expanse – broken only by the sounds of the birds chirruping and soft breeze rustling the leaves.  Their bedrooms must be fitted with the harmony of soft tones, extolling the greatness of the creator.  Their food must be simple but nutritious and passages from the Holy Scriptures must be read out.  I’m willing to take a bet that the children born of such a serene mothers, will turn out to be balanced individuals.

But in the rat race that the modern woman has enrolled in, gives her little time to be a guinea pig for this experiment.  Meanwhile let’s hope someone in the West will try it out so that it can become a fashion for us follow.

Some jobs are meant for men

It was an interesting job and I had the required qualifications.  The company was well known and the salary offered fine.  So I applied.When I received the call for the Interview I was amused to find a 'Mr' be­hind my name.  But amusement turned to anger when I walked into the cabin of the human resources manager and the first thing he said was "Oh!  We thought you were a man!"

So, they had called me for the interview because they thought I was a man.  It was infuriating and I vowed vengeance, but today, nearly thirty two years after the experience I can appreciate the reason behind their preference for a man as my cousin's friend, who bagged the job, tells me what his job involves.

He has to travel extensively, especially into the remote towns where it is difficult to find a place to stay.  Many of these places cannot be reached by rail so he has to hop into buses at odd hours, stay at lodges in isolated villages and deal with petty shopkeepers who are crude and dif­ficult to deal with.

Yes, despite our ability to do any kind of job, we women still have to accept we cannot fit into all slots, thanks to our biological difference. This is one of the reasons why many companies prefer not to have female employees for positions that call for traveling in remote areas.  The employer will have to take the additional responsibility of pro­viding for safety.

There has been considerable agitation on the score of gender discrimination.  But no one appreciates the logic.  We must face the fact that try what we may; we just cannot go into some avenues, which are better occupied by men.

Why should we grudge them that any way?  There are enough options open for us without our trying to muscle in everywhere.  There are banks, which have all women branches, schools that prefer female teachers and scores of other fields, which are tailor-made for our needs and capacity.

We must get it into our head that no one is out to repress us.  Those days are gone.  Today we rub shoulders with men as equals.  Let's accept that and not keep fighting for equality like it is the duty of men to hand it over to us!  Let us not fight for a piece of cake, which we can’t digest.  We must be rational about our role as human beings made differently from men with an express purpose of Nature.  It is not our sex that sets us apart: it is our individual capacities - both physical and mental.

A son and daughter all their life

It’s an oft repeated saying quoted to mothers who have daughters, “A daughter is a daughter all her life – a son is a son till he gets a wife.”  This no doubt evokes a smile of contentment from the mother who has daughters.  Let me cite the example of Veena who married an only son Arun.  After marriage she rarely spent time with his parents.  Her own parents visited her often and she would pester Arun to take her to her mother’s every Diwali.  No doubt Veena’s parents were thrilled because their daughter was still theirs but at whose expense?  Veena would send her children to her parents for their holidays.  Ring them up every weekend, write to them frequently.  Arun, busy with his constant touring and high-pressure job, had little time for visits and gradually saw less and less of his parents.

When Veena’s father fell ill, she flew to his house and helped her mother nurse him back to health.  When Arun’s mother was ill, Veena neither offered to go, nor invited her to her house to come and rest.  Arun was too busy, with his conferences, to go and help his father.  While Veena’s parents praised her for being a ‘daughter all her life”, Arun’s mother had to bear the brunt of having a son who ceased to be one after the advent of his wife.

Whatever we may say about the achievements of women, we must not lose sight of her primary goal – she is the cornerstone of family unity.  On her shoulder lies the responsibility of weaving two families together.  If she has time for her parents and relatives, she must have equal time for her husband’s family.  It is not fair play to concentrate only on her blood ties and let him fend for himself to strengthen his own.

Association is an integral part of any relationship and one has to unendingly work towards it.  A wife must make it her business to keep in touch with as many of her husband’s relatives as of her own.  She can’t have double standards just because she’s running the house.

Let’s play fair – it’s up to us to prove the old adage wrong.  Let a son too be a son all his life.  With the help of his wife.  !

The many faces of Adam

 “Oh! Aunty, please help me,” wailed my niece who is on her way to becoming a psychologist.  “I have to write this thesis on behavioral patterns of the male species and I don’t have the foggiest.  You know so many men, why don’t you give me a few tips?

I don’t know how and why the young lady got this idea of my being an authority on men but there’s no accounting for nieces having such impressions of aunts.  I had to help her out as I have strong family loyalties.  Moreover with two brothers, 20 cousins, a husband and two sons, my assessment of the male psyche, is fairly reliable.  Inviting my niece to a cozy lunch, I set about giving her the info…

The first kind is the Browning variety.  This poet said men have two faces – one to show the world and one to show the wife.  These are not exactly split personalities or Jekyll & Hydes. They are just two – dimensional.  They are suave, well mannered and courteous, Opening doors for other women, charming them and being chivalrous is their image in the presence of the world.  At home, they are totally different.  The wife is treated to choice abuses and boorish behaviour.  She has to fetch and carry for her overbearing lord who treats her like scum of the earth.

Cowardly Romeos

A little less obnoxious are the husbands who are ever so devoted to their wives and are at their discreet best when they are around.  The minute they are out of the wife’s ear and eyeshot, they become like lions on a rampage.  The wife in such cases is the lion tamer and keeps them suitably mellow.  These men can come to you as a rude shock, if you happen to ride a lift alone with them to the 21^st floor.  They are however, the safest, when in the company of the tail twister – the wife.

The Flirtatious types are harmless but a nuisance.  They seem to think that it is their bounden duty to cast their net every time they see a woman.  Flattery comes easily to them and as long as you don’t take them seriously, they are good for your ego - especially if your own husband is busy casting his net in other lakes!

The Casanovas are a menace.  They have this urge to combine business with pleasure, not realising that their ardour can be unwelcome.  Their philosophy is of killing two birds with a stone – when you can ogle at your secretary’s physical assets while dictating, why not?  The more letters you dictate, the better will be the girl’s speed and the company’s productivity.  The girls don’t squeal because they need their jobs – so why not make passes when it pleases?

The strong silent types are safe but boring.  They only grunt and nod their head when you talk to them and prefer sending up smoke signals which when deciphered could read “Scoot lady, I don’t’ want you around!  Interested only in stocks and share figures, they think of women as necessary evils to be put up with only if they are boss’s wife or mistress.

The greatest guys are the men for all seasons.  They can switch to various wavelengths – flirt with the coy; discuss Khalil Gibran with blue stockings; talk about babies to mothers and parapsychology with nerds.  They are not exactly noble, but definitely ‘infinite in variety’!